Mountain Moments

Mountain moments…you know, the ones where your world gets turned upside down. Where nothing will ever be the same afterwards. Where you’re circumstances, environment, needs, hopes and heart change forever. Where you feel your heart rip through your chest from beating so hard because the view from the top of that mountain is so grand, so miraculous. There is something so special about standing on that mountain top.

While, yes I have climbed mountains, and I will never forget the view and feel from the top, I am not talking about a physical mountain. I am talking about the peaks in life that only Our Great God can provide. This year, my family lived on top of one of those mountains. As I sit here and think about the blessings of the past 12 months I am literally moved to tears. Much like the awe I first felt when I summited my first 14,000ft mountain, I can’t believe the work God has done before me and my family this year.

For those that don’t know, almost 3 years ago Robin and I began what seemed like just a dream at that time. We dared to take the hope of adoption and see what God could do with it…God DID NOT disappoint! He looked right back at us and said “hey kids, watch what I can do when your desires align with MINE”. In only the way God can, He fulfilled promises made thousands of years ago, to “place the lonely in families”. Yet the most powerful piece of the story is just now beginning. We now get to see the power of that family at work, and it is beautiful.

Now for those who have never had the privilege to climb a truly high mountain (sorry folks, the Appalachians don’t count), no matter your skill level, it is a struggle. I remember my first time, so confident, maybe even cocky, in my athletic ability. I knew many others would struggle, but not me. Yet as the oxygen grew scarce, and the weather more fierce I discovered just how vulnerable I was. Above the tree line there is nowhere to hide. We faced sleet and lightning and I had the responsibility of 10 teenagers to keep safe. For maybe the first time in my life I was truly scared that day. Thankfully, God was on a greater display than the weather that day, and we walked through with only the emotional scars of understanding HIS greatness and our weakness when alone and separate from Him.

Fast forward to the present, our year of living on the mountain. I describe it as living on the mountain and not summiting the mountain, because I don’t think we have come down yet. We have experienced the exhilarating joys and celebrations that come with arriving at the top, yet we have also experienced the brutality of living in those conditions for extended times. We have felt the vulnerability, the storms, and the fear. The year has left us asking many times: do we have what it takes? I remember literally running from one of our first meals in China with Levi in tears, fearful of the struggles and unknowns before us. I have seen the financial struggles ebb and flow over and over. I have seen all three of our children live out moments of pure joy and moments of confusion and frustration. I have seen our middle child deal with levels of stress and anxiety that no 4 year old should ever have to deal with and in the same breath seen the look of peace in his eyes when he sits on his mommy’s lap and knows he is now in his home with his “forever family”. Simply put, I have lived on the mountain.

My heart is torn. There are moments that I never want to leave this mountain, yet there are moments where I can’t get off it fast enough. It’s not an easy place (God never said it would be) and I certainly know my sin and pride often make it more challenging. With all that said, there is no greater place to be. The work God has done in my heart (and my family's) is permanent and generation changing. It leaves me with one overwhelming thought, which is thankfulness. So on this day of ultimate thanks, I want to leave you the lyrics from the soundtrack of our year. This song, “All the Poor and Powerless” is a simple yet profound reflection of my family’s time spent on the mountain. While reminded of our frailness we can’t help but scream from the mountain tops that “He is God!” I also want to challenge all of you, if you haven’t spent time on the mountain, don’t wait. I am so thankful He led my family there.

All the poor and powerless
And all the lost and lonely
All the thieves will come confess
And know that You are holy
And know that You are holy

And all will sing out
Hallelujah
And we will cry out
Hallelujah
All the hearts who are content
And all who feel unworthy
And all who hurt with nothing left
Will know that You are holy

And all will sing out
Hallelujah
And we will cry out
Hallelujah

Shout it
Go on scream it from the mountains
Go on and tell it to the masses
That He is God
We will sing out
Hallelujah
And we will cry out
Hallelujah
















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The Album

In the top drawer of my nightstand there's a picture album I've been guarding like a hawk.  Several times throughout the day I have this moment in which I run to the bedroom thinking perhaps I left the drawer cracked and the album might be discovered.  The drawer would be cracked from last night.  And the last night. And the night before that all the way back to June 8th when I placed it there.  All those nights just before closing my own eyes when I reach for that baby blue album and pour over the pages of pictures.  Pictures of my baby, before he was in my arms.  

Inside there's these pictures.  Sweet baby boy...dressed in pink.  A huge smile standing with his China mama (nanny).  Picture after picture with some of the same children.  A precious old woman, "Nie Nie", grandmother in Chinese.  These pictures, along with his medical records and the clothes he came to us wearing, are the only links we have to his past.  

I want to preserve them.  I want to honor them.  I don't want to hide them at all.  I want Levi to know his story.  But there's a big piece of me that's been scared out of my mind to reveal them.  There's this gap and very few words to make a bridge between his heart and mine.  I feel like there should be words.  Words to explain and to offer comfort and answer questions and make promises.  

And maybe, too, I don't know exactly what to do with someone else's emotions.  Maybe, when I'm real honest, I don't know what to do with my own.  So sometimes maybe I avoid them.  

But grace keeps taking my hand and walking me back to that nightstand.  And for days I can't get it out of my mind.  This urge to bring the little boy into my arms and hold him tight and reach for the album.  

So I did it.  We sat together on my bed and flipped pages.  And I waited.  Waited for the floodgates.  Tears. Rage. But none came.  

Just like a kid, he was most interested in seeing himself in the pictures.  China mama was offered a short glance.  The friends received giggles as he tried to explain each one to me.  Nie Nie, a big grin.  And then a sweet "bye bye Nie Nie" before he closed the album.  Then we were done.  No big alligator tears.  No declaring China mama his real mom and scorning me.  

And then I knew it.  Words don't really build great bridges.  Digging down into the muck and mire and securing the posts. Measuring out carefully and forming concrete slabs.  Lowering them carefully into place and securing them tightly.  

That bridge from our hearts to his has been under construction for weeks.  There's been muck.  In his heart.  In our hearts.  And I'm sure they'll be more.  But maybe there's a post or two.  Maybe the slabs are being poured and the form of the bridge is starting to take shape.  

The hands and the heart are the bridge builders.  No, they are the tools.  Grace is the bridge builder.  In the failing and the flailing, digging out of the muck, its only grace that ever stands a chance of holding firm.  And the Grace Giver, Holy One...He built that first bridge that all the bridges run parallel to.  Then He asks us to do it with Him. Step out into that deep water and suddenly we're standing on dry ground.  He's making a path through the water.  We're walking. And on the right and the left, where I dare not turn my head, the water stands up scared straight stiff of the Almighty Hand.  That Hand, wind at my back, making step turn into step. I'm there on the bank and the enemy is swallowed up.  And the only words, are barely words, just uttering praise to the One who was in the beginning....was with God and was God. All things coming into being through Him and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being.  In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men.  The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not...does not...comprehend it.  But runs from it. 

(John 1)

Word Shadow

This morning I acknowledged something aloud that deserved no recognition.  It simply deserved captivity to Christ. But I let it walk on out of my lips.  And something profound happened there before my eyes.  That flesh feeling that should have died took on a form and a shape.  It caught my heel and I walked in it, limping on in the shadow of those words as if someone had proclaimed them ruler.  

It turns out my limping made the living for everyone around me a bit more like dying.  I was offering the Word of Life to no one.  And my sight was so quick blinded that I didn't even see the manna fall before my eyes when I read "I have put My Words in your mouth, and covered you in the shadow of My hand, in order to plant the heavens, to found the earth, and to say to Zion, "You are My people" (Isaiah 51:16.  

The limping turned into tripping - falling right over the holes and cracks meant to be filled up by grace.  I stumbled that way through all the hours.  Until I sat on the toilet lid rocking that boy who just wouldn't let his teeth be brushed.  And when his eyelids closed shut right there I saw that I was the one with the unclean lips.  I had set ablaze a whole forest and I smelled of the smoke.  

What in a word is power?  Why, between the mind and the lips does a word carry life and death?  I'm thinking of the tower that was being raised up - to reach the heavens,  a throne, of sorts, for man.  That flesh of mine, the one that produced the utterance - declaration of the day - would like to build a tower, a throne to sit itself upon.  But then one morning the brick stacking stopped.  Because the One who sits on the throne of heaven changed the way they spoke.  Just like that, the old language was gone and out of their mouths came new words.  

Out of my mouth could come new words.  Words that carry Life and Love to the farthest reaches...and the closest little hearts.  Words declaring the goodness, words naming it grace - opening that grace gift treasure box and letting it all come spilling out upon the day before me.  All that all sufficient grace.  More sufficient for more than I can dare to fathom.  

Tear down my tower, Lord.  Put Your Words in my mouth.  I long to walk in Your shadow. 

Grace Blanket

The skin on my chest is raw.  And my heart is torn and undone.  Twice tonight I held that boy who claws at me, until his anger gave way.  I whispered my love to him.  Real love, words that I really meant to say.  

In those moments there is a surrendering and a fighting.   But not what you think.  I am surrendering.  Shutting down my flesh circuits which long to fight or flee.  Surrendering to the Lover who loved me when I was ugly. Loves me when I am ugly and I claw against His goodness.  

And there is a fighting. Fighting for the heart of that boy.  The enemy fights for it.  The King fights for it.  I don't want to presume a thing, but maybe there are arms that must stay steady until the sun sets.  And maybe those arms are mine.  I'm certain that they are held up by you warrior prayers in the valley.  And I'm living for that day when I hear the Lord: "write this in a book as a memorial and recite it...I will utterly blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven. Moses built an altar and named it The Lord is My Banner; and he said, "The Lord has sworn; the Lord will have war against Amalek from generation to generation" (Exodus 17).  

Amalek, who comes in right after the divided sea and the manna and the quails and the rock water.  And right before the family framework is set up between Father God and His children.  

Who would dare rise against this One who causes the earth to swallow whole armies?  

Who would challenge the miracle work of the King...attempt to harden the heart once more? What is my boy's Amalek after?  A heart bound up so tight - nothing comes in, nothing goes out?  Is he not after the same thing in me?

But they, we've, been told "I will draw out my sword, my hand will destroy them". 

The "Wo Ai Ni" grace that I keep whispering wins. And he sinks into my arms.

Finally, sleep comes...and then I crawl in next to the older boy.  The one who sat in his bed, headphones on and listened to the screaming until he could take it no longer and quietly asked for an escape.  He spoke of the best part of his day - swimming with cousins.  And when asked about the worst part of his day...he thinks and thinks.  I'm certain he's going to relay the nightmare of listening to his brother scream not 15 minutes earlier.  But no, he says "mom, I'm not sure that there was a worst part." What? Something is hiding those moments we just ticked through.  A grace blanket. 

And I think of the younger boy at dinner.  Who stares at the family pictures on the wall and he wants to know if that's him, that baby in mama's arms? I just stare.  Is love just covering us all - totally hiding us under a grace blanket so much that he doesn't remember he was born into this family only 36 days ago? 

There's a little girl too who won't tell you she's struggling.  She wouldn't tell you why she imitates his outbursts.  Why she yells phrases that sound foreign.  Why there's a mess in the bathroom again because she didn't listen to her body.  And now she just waits for mommy to come and sing.  I sing and I worship, she sleeps and my heart is hidden under the wing of the Protector.  The One who just keeps singing and spreading His grace blanket over me.  

Honest to Goodness

I'm going to share some honest thoughts here but I encourage you to stick with me cause the good part's coming.

Two years ago the idea of another child - one from another land - began to grow in our hearts.  This idea captured us.  We were certain of the Originator of this idea and kinda started walking like it might become a real live thing.  And the more steps we took the more we were met by the Idea Maker and convinced it was not just a plan of our own hearts.  

So for a year and a half we dreamed about and worked toward this nameless idea child.  Our idea child was always on our minds and our lips as we prepared to welcome him/her into our family.  We made a place for this one in our home...and in our hearts.  And that heart place was filled with anticipation and excitement and love. Love. 

Nine months ago the face of that idea child came into focus.  (Counting up those months now - just right on the nose of a biological gestation...how interesting) We had a name and a picture and some information. And now all those joyful emotions were pointed toward this little guy. Now that the idea had a face the love grew even more.  Because we could envision him here with us, a part of us - doing life with us. And we knew it wouldn't be all rosy and we knew to dismiss our expectations but still the love for this idea boy just grew and grew.  

Reality crept up closer and closer until finally it was go time.  So we went, walked right on up to the reality of this idea.  What happened was a sort of mental collision.  There was idea boy, whom we had loved so deeply and then there was this real little boy who was now with us in living color - only we didn't know him like we knew idea boy.  He was, quite frankly, much a stranger to us.  And that love we'd had for idea boy didn't exactly transfer to the real boy.  Every moment we were choosing to live out the love of the Father toward him but it was exactly that - a choosing love - whereas we expected it to be that natural instinct love.  And a lot of the time it was a harder love choice than we liked it to be. 

I don't know if this common. But it was between Andrew and I - even silently common for a few days until we humbly confessed to one another the struggle of our hearts.  

(At this point you're probably either tracking with me or I'm scaring you - that's why I want you to keep reading)

There was some fear that came barreling in with this collision...especially before the whole thing was brought into the light.  Mainly fear that love - the "I can't help but love you" kind - wouldn't come.  Fear that this choosing love would feel superficial to our hurting boy.  

But all love comes from God (1 John 4:7).  Did we dare believe He would make some of that other kind of love in us?  Well, we had to.  Because there was no place else it was coming from.  So we took on the possibility that somewhere along the line we might just look back and realize that in the midst of walking out that choosing love, He placed a deep, instinctual, familiar love within us for our Levi.  

Well, it's sneaking in. The "I can't help but kiss your precious face 500 times" kind of love. I'm finding that the place in my heart that tries to contain my love for my other children has been stretched a little bigger.  Somebody smarter than me will tell me some definitive words to describe these two loves and I will thank them.  But for now, I am welcoming - with arms wide open - this precious love.  

And maybe that's the reason the days are getting easier.  I'm not sure that the circumstances have changed all that much since day one.  But somehow the patience gift of the Holy Spirit mixes naturally with the love gift and I feel carried.  I guess when it was all the choosing love it felt like I had to keep determining hard to let the Father carry me...cause the flesh me is always bent toward independence.  But the end of that me comes fast and ugly.  So I did let Him carry me.  And He sustained even though I had to be convinced of the manna goodness at times.  

And maybe, too, it's the reason his heart is getting softer.  The reason he lets me hold him and sing Jesus Loves Me. The reason he burrows his face in my neck.  The reason he calls "mama" to show me every traffic signal or dump truck.  The reason he works so hard to find a few English words or hand motions to tell me a silly joke.  The reason he nods ferociously when I whisper in his ear that he is my special boy.  

I don't know what this all does to your perception of adoption.  I don't know if you imagined such emotional struggle attached to those pictures of adoptive families....everyone smiling and hugging close.  And it isn't everyone's story but I gotta believe we're not alone.  We share this because beginning to end, it's not our story, it's God's story.  And we have to believe that His choice to adopt us as sons and the whole process of it has not been without messy heartache on the Lover's part.  

Just praying you will walk in His boundless love....and know that you were never a stranger to Him...He never had to adjust to loving you...in truth, His love has been carrying you all this time. 

Love,

Robin

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad 

The Bicycle and a Little Boy's Heart

We blundered it this weekend, our little boy's heart.

All week long the kids had been asking about bike riding.  When could we finally give Levi his new bicycle? Saturday finally arrived, the promised day.  Levi seemed to be thrown off that Andrew was home after getting accustomed to him leaving for work each day, so he seemed to be a bit more high-strung than usual.  So after a chaotic breakfast and several wardrobe changes on Chloe's part we got everyone strapped into the car (sigh...blissful moment).  Andrew's family had gone together to buy a super cool green bike for Levi and left it in our storage area so we hadn't even taken a good look at it yet.  But as we loaded the bikes in the car we realized it was going to be too big for this first-time rider.  So, simple solution - we'd let Wade ride Levi's new bike and Levi ride Wade's bike.  Wade could probably move into an 18" bike anyway.  And we hadn't wrapped it or planned a big presentation anyway.  If it was too big for Wade we'd just return it and buy a new one for Levi to have and Wade could have his original bike back.  Ok, hope you followed that. Just keep it in mind for later.

We hit the Red Bank tennis courts and both boys (and girl who hadn't been on her bike  since a little fall) were flying round and round before we knew it. Levi picked up the pedaling SO fast - it was amazing! It took several near collisions for him to realize he couldn't just watch his feet the entire time but needed to steer.  

  
The green bike looked a little big for Wade so Andrew drove home quickly for a few tools to adjust the seat and handle bars.  Daddy driving off and leaving us at the tennis courts was kind of confusing to Levi but we're getting pretty good at Sherades so he was ok after a few minutes.  Well, even after Andrew tinkering with the green bike Wade said he'd really rather have his original bike back.  At the same time some tennis players arrived so we didn't to let them have the courts.  So, we decided to load up, head to Toys R Us - Wade and I would run in to exchange the bike while Andrew took Chloe and Levi to CVS for a band-aid.  Then we could go to another nearby park for some more riding.  Did I mention Levi fell and scraped his arm? He really like band-aids and was quite insistent on needing one.  

Of course, the Sherades were a bit more tricky on this explanation.  But the Lightning McQueen band-aid helped calm Levi down.  Meanwhile, Wade and I find a blue Huffy bike very similar to his original bike and make the exchange.  At this point, I'm paying the $10 extra for the assembled bike.  

We arrive at the park and get everyone and the 3 bikes unloaded.  Then we present the brand new blue bike to Levi (somewhat relieved that he'll now have a new bike and feel special).  But that's where it all hit the fan.  And as the tears streaked down that sweet boy's face and the screams erupted it dawned on us what he saw.  He saw mommy and daddy had given him a gift, a red bicycle and now they were taking his bike away and giving it to his brother.  He was blinded to the brand new sparkling blue bike we had just presented to him...all he saw was what was being taken from him.  By now, Wade had unknowingly hopped on his original bike (the red one) and was blazing around the bike trail while Levi sobbed - all out sobbed and wailed as I attempted to hold him and comfort him.  And Andrew and I are looking at each other frantically trying to determine what exactly to do about the situation.  Wade has already said he wasn't interested in the sparkling blue bike.  Do we tell Wade he has to give up his speedy red bike for his new brother....the one that he has already endured so much from in one short week? The one he has listened to yelling and crying at each and every meal....the one to whom he has given up mommy hugs and snuggles and attention ....the one by whom he's been hit and screamed at....the one whom life has pretty much centered on for the last 7 days? Can Google Translate possibly help us explain this situation to Levi? 

You may think this all trite. You may think - its 2 bikes and 2 boys and tell each boy to hop on a bike and they'll get over it after a few turns around the track.  And sometimes that may be true...but not this time.  Both these boys, their hearts are fragile and their emotions are just as real as mine.  And though their problems look minuscule "in the grand scheme" - in their eyes, this is a BIG deal.  

We realize our blunder - wished that we would have seen the confusion that would ensue by letting Levi ride Wade's bike.  But now its done and we've got a ballistic 4yr old in the park.  So, Andrew speaks with Wade and explains a bit of the situation and tells him we will return the blue bike and he can buy any bike in the entire store that his heart desires if he will let Levi have his original red bike.  Wade agrees, however slightly reluctantly and hands the bike over to Levi.  

Now we're making plans to return to Toys R Us.  As we're working out the details Levi goes sailing past and turns to wave at us.  However he doesn't know how to use his brakes really.  So, before our eyes, he swerves off the pavement into the ditch - flips over, bike lands on top of him and is now lying in the ditch.  Oh my word.  I seriously thought our parenting license was going to be revoked right then and there.  Thankfully, he was not hurt.  I mentioned this incident in my post yesterday because it was very confusing.  He initially cried for about 5 seconds.  Then he wiggled out of my arms and got back on his bike.  I'm not going to go into all of that again as I did yesterday, but any other kid I know would have cried for a long time and would have been done with the bike for the day (at least).  I wanted to comfort my boy but he walled himself up and kept on moving. 

Wade, Chloe and I drive to Toys R Us return the bike and find a really sweet bike for Wade.  He was actually pretty excited about it after I told him the manufacturers also make dirt bikes.  We went back and picked up Levi and Andrew and headed for home...everyone fairly happy.  

That evening Andrew sent me to church with Wade and Chloe and as I pondered the morning - how much I take for granted the wisdom and discernment the Holy Spirit constantly offers - how limited my perspective is - how easily I can blunder the deal.  And as the weight of this responsibility of guarding our little guy's heart laid heavy on me the worship band started into the song the Lord wanted to sing over me "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound."  The truth lit up my heart: I will fail over and over again but His grace is sufficient for Levi.  He has convinced us of it over the last 12 months: that He sets the lonely in families and He is the Potter who softens and molds every heart.  He enables us to be loved and to love others.  Sweet, sweet grace that covers a multitude of inadequacies.  I am nothing without it. 

Love,
Andrew & Robin

The Making of a Cocoon

Preface...Going into this season of Levi's adoption into our family we knew that there would be some challenges that are unique to such children, and frankly we didn't have for forsite to share the following before hand.  As you read the following post, please understand this is not a reactionary "post" due to events that have happened from one of you or anticipation of such events in the near future.  Instead, this is a response to watching the fragile heart of our sweet son beginning to be stretched beyond anything he has ever seen and us recognizing the role God has called us to in protecting this precious gift (Levi) as we walk with him through his highest of highs and lowest of lows.  In advance, thank you for your understanding and please know that we are available for any and all questions!!  We love you all.

According to www.cocoon.org (surely the most comprehensive and authoritative source on cocoons): 

       cocoon -  nothing more than a protective casing that is around an insect. This is made of either silk or some other similar fibrous material that is then spun around the the insect during their pupal stage, which is the life stage of an insect that is undergoing transformation.

Call to mind, for a moment, every picture, every word related to the essence of a baby.  Here's my list, off the cuff: first cries of breath being placed into an anxiously awaiting mother's arms; soothing with touch, nursing and movement; long mid-day, midnight stares into little eyes; stroking cheeks; sensing intuitively the need of every cry; hours asleep in mama's, daddy's arms; a belly full with perfect nutrients - sleep following shortly thereafter; waiting for the first smile and smiling back so overcome with shared joy.  Really, the list could go on and on - mine only covers a few moments of the first days with baby.  The list would grow extensively through toddlerhood.  

Now, erase most all of that from your mind...except for the baby.  What happens to a baby without that list?  Is that list just for the enjoyment of the mother? Or is something profound happening within a child amidst all of those moments?  Is some need met when that baby is touched? Rocked to sleep? Nursed when hungry? Held close when cold? Changed when wet? Gaze met with smiling eyes? 

Research shows that deprivation and harm suffered early in life impact all the ways that a child develops - coordination, ability to learn, social skills, size and even the neurochemical pathways in the brain (just to name a few). 

Little ones stop crying because no one is coming.  They start rocking their own bodies to sleep.  As the days turn into months and months into years they develop ways to cope.  They are hardened.  They are calloused.  People come and people go. The child learns not to expect that adult to come back tomorrow.  As toddlers they fall down and scrape their knees and do not cry.  Saturday Levi flipped off his bicycle into a bush and barely uttered a sob. Bravery? Not when you know his story.  They seek to control their little corner because their world is out of control.  Levi colors pictures with unbelievable precision and goes into major meltdown when his sister scribbles all over her page.  Gifted artist? Sadly, no. 

So, now the beautiful thing of adoption has happened.  And this little one has been swept up into the arms of a family who wants to love him and provide for all of his needs.  But, language barrier or not, this is a foreign idea to him.  Only the most basic of physical needs have previously been met and that by a caretaker seeing to the needs of a dozen other children as well.  He does not know what it means for someone to come running when his bicycle flips over.  He has not cuddled on the couch while reading a book.  He has not chosen which food to eat. He does not know the love of mommy and daddy who will not leave him.  And one might think all of this would be a welcoming relief to him, but it is not.  It is different and it is scary.  To accept it, to let these people in, means vulnerability.  It means unlearning the coping.  It means depending on someone else...being bonded to them. It means learning how to trust.  

And that takes a long, long time.  It requires focused consistency of providing for his needs...physical and emotional.  It requires a constant observation for that small opening where he might let one in.  It requires faithfulness when you are allowed in.  Faithfulness to guard that little heart so that it will open again, maybe a slightly larger opening next time.  And therefore, it requires protection from the outside world which is ever changing.  It requires a cocoon.  

Here is where we need your help, understanding and grace.  We love you dearly.  We want our son to love you dearly.  But you have not been placed in his life to be his parents...to be the ones who will always be there, the ones entrusted to prepare him to be a part of this world and more importantly entrusted to disciple him in the love of Jesus Christ.  Just like we would never dream of attempting to fulfill that role in your children's life you must understand that that is exactly what is at risk if we allow you to be a caretaker or a provider.  If you begin connecting with Levi - providing for his needs, comforting him when he is hurt, giving instruction or redirection, showering him with affection, playing with him...we send a mixed message about who his first and foremost providers are.  And then you leave and he is all the more confused and perhaps shut down because of it.  

This is hard to understand.  We don't understand it much more than you.  Thankfully the Holy Spirit provides wisdom and discernment as this thing unfolds before us.  

We share this now, not to hurt your feelings.  We want to open a window for you to see what's really going on here.  Adoption is more than providing for a child's physical needs.    We want to you to know that Levi is vulnerable.  He is scared and he is confused.  And we are his protectors.  So we're building a cocoon.  We don't know how long this incubation time will last.  But we trust the Lord to reveal that.  And please, believe us when we say there is nothing that we personally would love more than to invite you each over for a meal, to be with you, to share this journey with you, to share Levi with you.  But we can't, not yet.  And here are some specifics of what that looks like: 

• Please don't drop by the house - call or text first.  And know that at this point, having visitors in the house is not going well.  As the days progress we may be able to meet in a public place (like a park). 
• If you are bringing a meal, thank you! We know the exciting thing about bringing a meal is getting to meet the new arrival.  But we may ask you to leave the food on the front porch at this point.  
• We can't stay in the house all the time (my walls aren't padded!) so we will be out and about in a few public places- we'd love to say hi.  But please approach slowly and engage me in a conversation first.  If I introduce you to Levi you can take that as your cue to greet him but please use discretion in how interactive you are with him. 
•  Don't be offended if we abruptly end a conversation or leave a gathering.  We'll probably text or call you later to explain and apologize but just know that there have and probably will continue to be moments when we suddenly realize we're not able to guard Levi's heart and we need to pull back.  Don't take it personally. 

I absolutely love this quote - I'm certain they designed it to be inspiring - from the Cocoon website:

"This is a very interesting process because it has oftentimes been said that the most beautiful butterflies have actually emerged from the ugliest Cocoons. For this reason, many people consider the process of the Cocoon to be a miracle of nature itself."

We don't know what we're doing.  We're not following some kind of daily post-adoption manual.  We've got a bunch of people who have walked this path before us whose stories we've gleaned from.  We've got a Lamp unto our feet.  And we've got Grace.  And we're leaning heavy on those last two. 

Thank you for your love and support and thank you in advance for understanding these difficult words. 

Love,

Andrew & Robin

China Update #13

Consulate Apointment: Check!

Today was a very important day in our adoption process: our consulate appointment.  At 9:30am we departed our hotel with 5 or 6 other families for the Consulate office, armed with a highly valuable packet of paper and a ziplock bag of reserves to keep Levi happy.  Praise the Lord, it was smooth sailing in all regards! Our paperwork was all in order (thanks to Lifeline!) so the it was quick and painless.  Levi was a happy camper watching daddy draw for 30 minutes in the waiting area.  

After Consulate we met the rest of our group for some shopping on Shamian Island.  This is a small man-made island (separated from GZ by a 15yd wide river). It was originally occupied by Europeans so all the buildings are European style.  It was a nice reprieve from the tall, modern skyscrapers of GZ.  Today it hosts lots of shops, restaurants, a couple hotels and even the Polish embassy (but don't try to photograph their guards!).  Have we mentioned Levi is not really into shopping? Soooo....Andrew and I took turns running through shops crazily choosing precious gifts to bring home.  I will say we accomplished a lot in a short amount of time.   And thankfully I think we've made Levi suffer through his last shopping trip for a LONG, LONG time.  

While at Shamian Island the skies opened up into a torrential downpour.  So after lunch we headed back to the hotel.  We played for a couple hours in the room...have we mentioned Levi loves Legos!? Seriously, I don't know what we would have done this trip without them.  I have to say that my Lego building skill has improved by leaps and bounds during this trip as well.  As soon as the skies cleared we bee lined  it to the pool along with several other stir-crazy families.  Levi, the fish, continues to amaze us with his love for the water and absolute fearlessness!  It was 6 pm by the time we finished at the pool so we headed back to the room for cup-o-noodles and an early bedtime.  

Even though we have 2 more full days here in GZ and another day or so of travel I really feel like we are shifting our focus to our return home.  These days here in China have been a beautiful mess.  Pieces of it so filled with light and grace that we see the reflection of Christ right before our eyes.  Other shards so broken and sad, so filled with the mess of the flesh....being redeemed at a high, high cost - one we can't even begin to count.  So many of these moments have been the perfect collision of the grace and the mess.  I guess, in fact, all of them have been just that.  No moment is left without grace.  It's just turning out to look a little different than I though it looked.  My eyesight is the only thing that needs adjusting.  

So soon we go home.  Return to life as it was or is or something altogether different.  Normal or new normal is waiting for us.  I almost feel like I've been sleeping for 12 days, living in some other world and now I'm going to wake up.  Except it will mostly all be different.  I'm going to call it good different, but you will probably have to remind me of that.  

We love you all and are so encouraged by all your words and prayers and "likes" on FB.  Please keep praying for us these last few days.  Tomorrow morning Andrew will be keeping Levi for a couple hours while I go back to Shamian Island with a couple ladies for a few last items.  Please pray for patience for Andrew and that he and Levi will really enjoy one another as soon Levi won't have daddy's attention all day every day.  

Pray for Wade-o.  He woke up feeling sick this morning (Wednesday morning your time).  

Love,

A & R

China Update #12

So we will attempt to write this update for a second time (this time it's Andrew, so keep your expectations tempered!). We are experiencing the joys of Internet usage in this great country. Not sure where yesterday's email wound up, but from our iPad it appears it has disappeared.  So this one will comprise two days. 

First we will say that each day is two inches forwards and one inch backwards!  This guy has no fear and is truly testing his boundaries by the hour. We truly see that he is comfortable with us and has a love that grows daily. With that said, we also think his patience is shrinking daily!  He hates to wait...ever...for even a minute, and as you can imagine being with a group of 11 families involves some waiting!  Thankfully he is responding to redirection very well (most of the time) and seems to sandwich his outbursts with "I love yous"!! He is melting our hearts everyday with his sweet love. 

Yesterday (Monday) turned out to be one of our busiest and most fun days yet. We woke up and had our daily breakfast next to the Coy pond (we are in trouble when he realizes we don't have entertainment at all meals!)  We then headed off to the Guangzhou zoo, which was great! Only 3 families were up for the trip so it made for a less hectic time.  While there I decided to go "all in" as I have been telling our group I would and Levi and I had our picture taken with a python.  This is pretty adventurous for me, especially when you factor that I had no idea what the guy was saying as we made the deal!

After the zoo we came back to the hotel and hit the pool. This is becoming a favorite of Levi's.  He has started asking us to throw him and let him sink before coming up for air...like we said, fearless!  After about two hours in the HOT sun we were getting ready to head inside when one of the families we have been hanging out with came down to present an offer.  They had been told that there was a great circus in town and that we could take the subway to get there. Since we were "all in" for the day we figured the circus in china was a once in a lifetime chance.  While it hit our daily budget kind of hard (none of us knew the cost before we left) we wound up having an amazing time. The subway was fun and the circus would rival any cirque de sole show!  It truly was world class (search Chimelong circus).  We will have to write more on this evening later. We will give our big guy some props here. Considering he has probably never stayed up later than 9:00 before he was such a trooper. The poor guy fought so hard to never fall asleep during the show so he wouldn't miss a single human cannonball or dancing elephant!

Since Levi didn't get into bed until after 11 that night today was a much calmer day. It rained hard here so we stayed in the room and rested. While this was needed, it wasn't easy for Levi (he gets stir crazy quick). Thankfully the rain let up this evening for the three of us to do some wandering in a local market before joining our group for a dinner boat cruise.  

As we look back on our time here so far we feel so blessed to know that Levi is getting to experience so many wonderful opportunities as well as cultural experiences. While our updates might not accurately describe it, two weeks in a hotel with your new momma and baba (daddy) IS NOT a picnic. We are so thankful for our adoption agency recognizing this and planning accordingly. We also are grateful for the teaching opportunities God is providing in each outing.   Lastly, we are SO proud of Levi. While we know patience is short with him, we are daily amazed at how well he is handling this whole journey. We are so proud to call this brave young man our son and can't wait for you all to meet him!

Well, sorry if this post was lacking the "Robin Flare" but I am just too tired to put much more in it. Tomorrow morning we have our US Consulate appointment which is our last official task here. We then just wait a couple days to make sure everything goes through ok and then begin the journey home on Saturday morning to our new family of 5!!

Sent from my iPad

China Update #11

Hey friends! We've been having difficulty using our VPN to get on Facebook to upload pictures so below you should be able to join our photo stream if you'd like to see our photos.  
You can view my shared photo stream on the web:
China

On Friday afternoon we flew to Guangzhou to finish up our adoption process.  Saturday morning we (and about 20-30 other adoptive families) went to the health clinic for medical checks including TB blood draws for each child.  That record will be signed off by a doctor in the next day or two then it'll become part of our paperwork for the US Consulate appointment on Wednesday.  All the paperwork we did last week was for the China side and this week it's all for the US side of things.  Yesterday we had a 1.5 hour meeting to get all of our consulate paperwork organized.  At the end our guide, Miko, declared we were FINISHED with paperwork!!! Hallelujah! That has been a long time coming! 

***At this point I just have to put in a plug for our agency, Lifeline Children's Services.  If you are considering international adoption or know anyone who is I cannot more highly recommend them.  From day one when we applied, every complicated step of the way through to this end they have been completely organized and professional yet faith-filled, encouraging, personable people to work with.  Also, now being here and hearing stories of other families' experiences with other agencies I'm all the more convinced Lifeline is the way to go.  

Anyway, getting to Guangzhou was a pretty smooth experience.  Levi did GREAT on the 2.5 hr flight!!! He was so excited to fly and had tons of questions about airplanes for our guide. Arriving at the airport we were met by one of our new guides and ushered to a van to take us to the Garden Hotel, about 25 minutes away.  Our guide, Grace had to stay at the airport to meet 5 more Lifeline families but she assured us the driver would deliver us safely to our other guide at the hotel, Miko.  Well, two hours later we did get there safely....after getting a new bus because our first bus got a flat tire!  Did I mention our driver spoke no English? Yah. This was interesting.  For quite a while we didn't know if he was calling for help or just waiting until someone took pity on us and pulled over to help.  But eventually another bus came for us.  

The Garden Hotel is easily the nicest hotel we have ever and probably will ever visit! At first glance it definitely seems weird to be staying in such a fancy hotel - it's easy to think we could have stayed in a more modest place and saved money on adoption costs.  That may be true...to a point.  The nightly price here is actually extremely reasonable by American standards.  There are also certain amenities which are really nice to have when staying in a hotel for a week....I.e. an American toilet rather than a squatty potty.  You can probably google Chinese squatty potty if you're not familiar with that term or you can just use your imagination.  Anyway, the suite style room, lovely swimming pool and decadent breakfast buffet apparently come with the American style bathrooms.  

I already mentioned the medical visit that we did Saturday morning.  Our itinerary is pretty much set by the guides so we just kinda go where we're told to go.  The afternoons are mostly free time.  This morning was set as a shopping time.  Imagine how your kids would enjoy wandering through a ginormous, non-air conditioned building filled with hundreds of little shops while you tried to pick out a few gifts...that's about how much Levi enjoyed it.  So then we went to the Chen Ancestral Hall which was built during the late 1800s.  It originally provided accommodations for Chen family people when they had to travel to Guangzhou for important discussions and such.  Around the 1960s-70s during the cultural revolution all these old historic buildings were being torn down but some people got together and began using the Chen building as a newspaper or book printing place and managed to save it from destruction. So now it is the largest, best- preserved and most gorgeously decorated traditional building in the province. It now houses many small shops and exhibits where you can purchase and view handicrafts including ivory carving, embroidery, calligraphy and other painting, porcelain, pottery and more.  This was our favorite place.  Levi was a trooper and relaxed in the stroller during our time at the hall.  

Yesterday and again today we spent the afternoon in the pool.  We think yesterday may have been Levi's first experience in a swimming pool.  He was not at all fearful but it took him a few minutes to get accustomed to the feeling of walking around in the kiddie pool which is about 2.5 ft deep.  However, by the end of today he figured out how to hold his breath and go under water...all on his own! We have got a fish on our hands!!

We're enjoying the wide variety of people and cuisine options here in GZ.  Last night we dined at an excellent Mexican restaurant called Tekila.  Yes, that is how they spelled it ;)  and tonight we dined at The Italian Restaurant...which stole the Fazolis logo.  But it was much better than Fazolis.  And it will go down in history as the first restaurant experience we've had with Levi that did not end in a total all-out 43lb kicking and screaming meltdown.  Angry Birds may have played a role in the success...but hey, we'll take it! 

It's remarkable how much English Levi is understanding in just 7 days!  When he is fully immersed in it we think he will pick it up very fast.  

Please continue to pray for Andrew and I.  Today Andrew has not been feeling well - we're hoping its just travelers tummy and not something food related.  Thank you to whomever is praying for my gluten sensitivity- at this point we're considering finishing  (or even starting) a meal a privilege so I haven't really had the freedom to be picky about gluten and I have had no issues whatsoever.  Praising God big time for that!  Please pray that we will choose to receive and practice the patience that the Holy Spirit is always wanting to give us.  Thankfully the intense moments are diminishing in frequency however I think Andrew and I were beginning to max out on frustration so our patience is thin.  We need to continue to work as a team and not direct our frustration toward one another.  

Alright, we've got a big morning at the zoo tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep.  Love you all!  

Love,

A & R

China Update #10

Written Friday, 5/31/13: Last day in Zhengzhou

Twenty-two years ago today my life was forever altered as I awoke to the news of my dad passing.  New, unchartered and scary territory lie ahead.  And this week life has changed forever again.  Life has changed for a little boy who knew no family and now our family will never be the same again.  It's new, unchartered and a bit scary for all of us.  But with this life change I know who holds the future and I trust Him fully. There have been and there will be hard days - days that seem void of value. Days I can't seem to find the treasure and probably days that I want to give up.  But I'm believing that this life He's given is a gift and full of every day gifts.

This morning Levi and I enjoyed one last stroll through the park as Andrew packed our bags.  We have absolutely loved being near this amazingly beautiful place.  Although it is in the center of the city it is a quiet oasis that has been a precious sanctuary for us. It has allowed us a peaceful place - a respite for our souls and minds and a bonding place for us to walk hand in hand with Levi.  It's been an eye opening place to experience Chinese culture from a variety of instrumental performances, tai chi, fan dancers, karaoke, table tennis, chess, backward walking, coy fishing, bad mitten, Chinese opera, toddler split pants, kids painting little statues, photographers, card games and elderly friends greeting one another.

This morning as we walked through the park watching people as they began their day I was struck by the intimate way in which The Lord knows and loves each Chinese person - just as He loves me.  In this foreign land where the people as a whole do not recognize the True Creator God I've found it's easy for me to forget that He is still the One who knits each one together in the womb.  As I walked along looking into the eyes of so many (because they were of course unashamedly staring at me) the truth of their creation washed over me in a profound way.

We are now in Guangzhou where we will spend the remainder of our time (7 days).  I believe that. GZ is the 3rd largest city in China behind Beijing and Shanghai. But don't quote me on that.  The flight here went well. We spent this morning at the medical clinic because each child must have an examination and blood drawn for a TB test before leaving the country.  That was as fun as it sounds ;) This afternoon we swam in the lovely pool, did some paperwork and went to dinner with another family.  Dinners are getting better.  Tonight Levi made it about 30 minutes before departing kicking and screaming in Andrew's arms.  Now he is sleeping peacefully.

Tomorrow our group will go shopping.  Please continue to pray for an abundance of love and patience for Andrew and I.  There are still some intense moments but we are learning more every day of the triggers for his outbursts but the patience wanes at times as we attempt to gently correct (using hand signals) and show love.  We love you all!

R

P.S. sorry if this is disjointed or if there are grammatical errors...I'm falling asleep as I type.

China Update #9

Good morning to you! It's Thursday eveninghere.

This morning Andrew and I awoke with a gameplan. We were determined to make Operation Breakfast a success since meal times are kinda tricky.  We decided to tag team our trips to the hotel buffet and bring food back to the room for Levi.  We're still figuring out what he likes to eat.  Rice and noodles are generally his favorite.  But his caretaker had said he also ate steamed egg, congee (picture a rice pudding/watery oatmeal dish made from rice) and bun. But he hasn't been interested in any of those items.  I brought him a mixture of food and hoped he'd be happy with something.  The plan went off pretty well: let's just say I'm glad we didn't take him into the restaurant.  The first little bit in the morning while he's groggy he's pretty mild but then it's like he realizes where he is and feels the need to begin testing the boundaries.

This morning I stopped saying "boo" (no). He seems to think its funny when we say it and doesn't oblige at all.  So instead as he squirted his milk container (like a juice box) all over his lap I just calmly told him that wasn't a good idea and asked him to hand it to me.  Obviously I said that all in English.  And even though he couldn't understand my words he responded much better.  He actually handed me the milk.  I continued throughout the morning to use gentle words to correct the behavior and didn't have any super tense moments.  Thankfully he is also easily distracted

The zoo was really great!  There was a ton of monkeys.  Levi loved saying "hello monkeys!" in English.  It was a great bonding experience as we were able to enjoy and laugh at the animal antics together.  A few times we even let go of his hand.  There was a small playground and after a few times on the slide with daddy we let him do it by himself...and he didn't run off! Victory! As we walked along looking at the animals Levi started asking our guide tons of questions about the animals.  His questions were really good ones.  It really showed us that a good bit of his acting out is probably also just frustration of not being able to communicate.

After the zoo we returned to the hotel and gave him a quick lunch then tucked him for a nap.  Once again, the transition into bed was very smooth - we are SO thankful that he is eating and sleeping well as those are the two areas that are often very difficult for adoptive families.  After a good nap we played for a bit and headed out for a short walk near some shops.  We bought him his first pair of shoes that are truly his and they are bright orange- which totally fits his personality.  There was literally a crowd of 8-10 people watching us through the shop window.  It's amazing the freedom people here feel to stare.  This city draws very few American tourists and now that we have Levi with us we are even more of a curiosity.  On the first day I asked our guide about the Chinese perception of American adoptive families.  She said that largely when she is with a group and someone stops them they will ask if the child is biological of the family because they don't look Chinese.  She said knowledge about adoption is not widespread.  When she explains the situation they usually give a thumbs up to say its a good thing to adopt.  So we figure mostly people are staring out of confusion.

We went back to the hotel room and played for a bit until we met our guide in the lobby for some more paperwork.  I'm sure glad she knows what it's all about cause we are clueless.  We just sign and thumbprint wherever she says.

We met another family for a walk in the park then ate dinner at the hotel restaurant.  Dinner went exceptionally well.  Levi tried several new foods including dumplings which he was eating off of April's plate - pretty sure he ate 4 of them! He's taking after his Aunt Anna.  The end of dinner got a little rough but all in all it was great.

This evening we were finally able to introduce Levi to Wade and Chloe.  Everyone was excited! Levi even ended the conversation with a "we love you" to Chloe. We are so excited for them to be home together!!

Since he napped this afternoon Levi took a few minutes to fall asleep. As he lay in the bed across the room I heard a little whimper.  Laying down next to him he began to cry.  In our hearts we immediately knew that in the dark and quiet room he had begun to think about life back at the orphanage.  We lay with him and held him for about 10min.  The crying never got intense - just quiet tears.  He eventually moved my arm and motioned for us to get up.  At that point we lay down in the other bed and just prayed silently that sleep would come for our sweet boy quickly.  And that with sleep would come with sweet and comforting dreams.  Thankfully he fell asleep soon after. We expect this to happen again and probably with more intensity at other times.  You can be praying for his heart.

Well, Andrew and I are about ready to call it a night.  Best day yet I'd say! Thanks for all your prayers!

Tomorrow evening we fly to Guangzhou. I think the flight is maybe 2hrs.  We are very excited to get there!

Love,

A & R

China Update #8

Ni Hao everyone! So, this morning started out with a bang...we took a 4 year old to a history museum. Enough said, right? We were all excited for the zoo - thankfully we hadn't figured out how to say "zoo" in Chinese so Levi was clueless- but we woke up to rain so when we met our guide she said "I think we go to museum today because raining."  Really though, he did marvelous, all things considered.  Thankfully there was a stroller available that he was happy to sit in for a good portion of the time.  Plus a super cool treat was getting to see a live traditional music performance.  Things did get pretty rough at the end while I did some shopping in the gift store and Andrew was keeping track of Levi.  The tricky part in public is that we're not ready to let go of his hand for fear he might run off, yet having his hand held constantly is quite frustrating to him.

I'll interject at this point, one thing was made clear today, the enemy would like to corrupt and even steal the bond of unity between Andrew and I.  You know, walking through new, emotional and challenging situations with your spouse can really draw a couple together in a profound way.  Throughout this whole trip and particularly the last few days we have been such a team in this and a constant encouragement to one another.  Yet today we fund that unity threatened when faced with a couple challenging moments.  I'm praising God because we both quickly realized the frustration we felt was not really for the other person and that we must stand together.  The remainder of the afternoon was excellent but I'd just ask that you be praying on that point for us.

So, back to our day....we came back to the hotel room around lunchtime and Levi had some noodles (kinda like ramen- very popular here).  Andrew and I ate something....maybe an apple or a cliff bar, I can't remember. Meals have been pretty much non-existent for the two of us the last 3 days.  It seems to be the most challenging time for Levi so eating in the room is the best option.

This afternoon was great.  We decided that we'd focus on losing privileges as a discipline tool.  For example, Levi kept standing on the desk chair so the chair was set aside.  Legos were thrown so it was time to put the Legos away.  I'm not sure how much it's sinking in but it's stopping the immediate behavior (most of which is dangerous) so we'll go with it for now.  We had lots of sweet playtime together and opportunities for positive reinforcement.  Today he learned the sign and word for "more" and "eat".  He has learned the words "good boy" and "hello".  He repeats English words and short phrases often.  And he's learned to sit at the table while eating. We are really thinking learning English is going to come quite quickly.

We spotted a McDonalds on the way home from the museum today right by the exit of our favorite park so we decided to try it for dinner.  The park is more like a series of sidewalk trails that meander about a half mile or so in length.  Another of the adoptive families joined us which really made us a sight to behold.  We walked through the park and seriously people gawked at us.  In fact we had our picture taken several times - a couple times incognito and even once professionally with some kind of movie star looking woman.  I asked her to email me the picture but we'll see if she understood me.

Let me just say McDonalds has never tasted so good in my life....and if you know me well, you know I do not eat there of my own free will.  Levi LOVES French fries!! And ketchup...he and his sister are going to get along very well in that! He even ate a couple chicken nuggets.  We'll have this boy transitioned to a healthy fast food diet in no-time! ;)  The meal was by far the smoothest we've had yet with Levi.  Afterwards we even had an ice cream treat.  Levi seemed to love the taste of it but he had no clue it was going to be freezing cold until I out the first spoonful in his mouth. Poor guy!  In China, drinks are not served cold typically so he is not accustomed to the temperature.  In addition, his cleft palate maybe sensitive to extreme temperatures.  We'll have to have ice cream training sessions once we get home.  I'm sure Wade and Chloe will help participate in that!

Once again he was thoroughly worn out because after bath and "Goodnight Moon" he snuggled into bed and fell right asleep.

Andrew ran out to Walmart - which is not totally Americanized because they close at 8pm- to get a stroller and few other items.  So it was my first night putting Levi to bed by myself and he did wonderfully!

Thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement! It is seriously so normalizing to hear from home.  We've actually been able to pick up a wifi signal in our room this afternoon so we really enjoyed reading comments and such.

Love to you all!

R & A

China Update #7

Good morning from China! It's Wednesday morning here and I just wanted to share a brief update about yesterday.  As me sweet sister in law, Anna, reminded me this morning of the lyrics of the song I referenced in my last post "the sun comes up its a new day dawning....it's time to sing Your song again". And that's what we're going to do this morning.

Yesterday was filled with hugs and kisses and even an English "I love you" from Levi.  He's understanding his name and he's using sign language to ask for help rather than whining and stomping.  He's sleeping and eating like a champ.  He's singing the Barney "clean up" song as he helps put away his toys.  He's building Legos and drawing and listening to books.  He's saying "gentle" and understands the meaning.  And he's going freely to both Andrew and I.  He's understanding when one of us leaves the room for a moment and not fearful.  This is a SMART kid!!

Intermixed with all those awesome steps were some hurdles too.  It's apparent that there were probably not many behavior expectations in the orphanage.  And he was perhaps a bit of a class clown.  His behaviors are not terribly atypical of a young 4yr old but the language barrier makes it difficult to correct using other words beside "boo" (no).  He often acts out to elicit a laugh- which of course we're not giving but it doesn't seem to phase him.

Anyway, last night dinner was pretty rough- we ended up abandoning ship after prying chopsticks out of his hands and headed for the hotel.  It was very emotional for us.

I want to share what I wrote in my journal yesterday morning...the Lord is so faithful to prepare us for what lies ahead and His Word never returns void:

"They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on Your wonderful works.  They will tell of the power of Your awesome works, and I will proclaim Your great deeds." Psalm 145:3-6

Let us embrace what You have for us here in Your present presence today.  the past and the future - even another place, like home- are not in Your present presence.  let us embrace this circumstance before us and live fully in it.  All else is outside of where You've allowed us to be present.  Yet You are there- across all time, as farms the farthest reaches of the earth and heavens - and YOU ARE TRUSTWORTHY.  I leave all of the otherwise places in Your hands.  Thank You for this present reality.


Please pray that we will obey the Word given to us.  That we will allow every thought and emotion to be taken captive to the authority of Christ. That The Lord would grow the love in our hearts for Levi.  That we will praise Him for the steps we are making and consider the hurdles gifts from Him too even though we can't quite see or understand their value yet.

We love you all and are so strengthened knowing you are standing with us in this journey from across the globe!!

P.S. For any of you wondering about the toddler split pants - it's not an orphanage thing - it's a China thing.  And apparently, when you gotta go...it's ok to go.

Love,
R & A

China Update #6 - Gotcha Day!

Today was Gotcha Day...for some of you that conjures up images of orphaned children running into the arms of their forever families, beyond ecstatic to be leaving their former life for a life of bliss and perfect love.  Well, more than one piece of that is untrue - almost all of it actually.  

Here is how it went down for us today:

We boarded the van with 2 other families at 9:30am and headed for the Civil Affairs Office.  We didn't really know what to expect so we settled into the available seats while our guide, Celine, took care of our paperwork.  So we're just sitting there for about 3 minutes nervously looking at each other when in walks Levi and Reece with their caretaker.  We were totally thrown off to be seeing them at that moment.  We thought there would be some kind of warning that they were on their way in. This also seemed to be a surprise to Celine.  No time to turn to the page in my Simple Chinese for Adoptive Families and read my initial greeting to him.  Levi seemed altogether surprised and confused as well.  Mind you, I don't think he's ever left his orphanage so he just took a fairly long car ride then walked into this big fancy building and is trying to explore the place when these 2 Americans come up to him and start saying non-sensical words to him.  If there was ever an awkward moment, this was it! But if there was one thing we had expected and prepared ourselves for it was awkwardness.  We shared his little backpack of toys with him and after several minutes he began to warm up to us a bit.  He would play with us for a bit then get interested in what someone else was doing (by this time there were probably 6-8 families there all receiving their children at the same time) then he'd come back to us.  Finally after about an hour the paperwork was finished and it was time for the caretakers to leave.  We had been forewarned that this was often where children began to grieve.  At first, it was just a small whimper and Levi gladly let me hold him.  But within 3 minutes it had evolved into all out sobs.  As I sat in the chair he tried with all his 43 pounds to get out of my lap and to the door the caretaker had gone through.  This was hard. But at this point, no family in the room was having an easy time of it.  After struggling for a few more minutes Levi reached out for Andrew so even though we knew it was crucial for the first bonds to be made with mom I decided to let dad take a turn because I was having trouble keeping him in my arms.  After several minutes of Andrew walking and rocking him he began to calm down until he eventually rested peacefully in Andrew's arms.  This turned out to be a sweet sweet blessing.  

Shortly after he calmed down we boarded the van which had brought us and headed to Walmart. The Walmart trip was not our idea and at this point we were feeling pretty skeptical about the sanity of it.  But thankfully Levi was totally calm by the time we arrived at Walmart.  He definitely had fun at Walmart.  He got the hang of shopping very quickly and picked out several toys.  The others in our group needed to purchase diapers and formula so we ended up following them around a bit.  Levi was quite curious about everything! And he was ready to explore so although we were anxious to lavish him with our love and gifts he also began to experience the boundaries that love also provides.  At this point we all became familiar with the Chinese word "no" ;)

Finally, we arrived back at the hotel.  Honestly we kinda felt like we were wrangling a bull in a china shop in Walmart. We definitely were enjoying seeing his personality come out but we were really ready to see it in the safety and confines of our hotel room.  

Once in the room we began playing with the toys we had brought and purchased at Walmart.  We spent much of the afternoon doing so.  Although there is a HUGE language barrier, by the end of the afternoon it seemed we were all getting accustomed to not being understood which I suppose is the first step.  And we began to receive hugs and even several minutes of cuddling on the bed together.  

Around 3pm we were going a bit stir crazy so we headed for the park.  Levi walked along holding our hands for over an hour just taking in all the sights and sounds.  As we finished our walk we realized it had probably been quite productive for bonding because he was able to feel the safety of our physical touch without any of the frustrations of the language barrier.  

Shortly after the park we headed to dinner with the other families.  We went in prepped for the possibility of needing to abandon ship mid-meal but they ended up seating us in a  private room which was wonderful!  The meal went great.  Save for the fact that the waitress didn't deliver 2/3 of our food and that's a pretty challenging idea to communicate using hand motions! Levi had his food and he was happy though so it was a win.  

We returned to the room about 8pm and gave Levi a bath before tucking him into bed.  He was asleep within 5 minutes of his head touching the pillow!  

You may have noticed my attention to detail waning as this email has progressed - I've fallen asleep several times while writing it.  We've all had a long, crazy day.  The emotions of today have been super high and super low for all of us.  And I do want to share more of those emotions with you in the future...but not right now ;) All I want to do right now is sleep! 

So thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers.  Day one is over but we've got 12 more days in country to adjust to one another.  For tomorrow, please pray that we continue to make strides toward overcoming the language barrier. Pray also that we can begin to gently correct a few behaviors of Levi's - probably learned behaviors because of growing up in an orphanage- but several we feel cannot wait until we are home or until the language barrier is lessened. We'll start our day tomorrow by returning to the Civil Affairs Office and another office for a bit of paperwork.  Then we'll have the rest of the day free- I'm sure we'll be going back to the park! 

We love you all and treasure your prayers!

Love,
Andrew and Robin