Honest to Goodness

I'm going to share some honest thoughts here but I encourage you to stick with me cause the good part's coming.

Two years ago the idea of another child - one from another land - began to grow in our hearts.  This idea captured us.  We were certain of the Originator of this idea and kinda started walking like it might become a real live thing.  And the more steps we took the more we were met by the Idea Maker and convinced it was not just a plan of our own hearts.  

So for a year and a half we dreamed about and worked toward this nameless idea child.  Our idea child was always on our minds and our lips as we prepared to welcome him/her into our family.  We made a place for this one in our home...and in our hearts.  And that heart place was filled with anticipation and excitement and love. Love. 

Nine months ago the face of that idea child came into focus.  (Counting up those months now - just right on the nose of a biological gestation...how interesting) We had a name and a picture and some information. And now all those joyful emotions were pointed toward this little guy. Now that the idea had a face the love grew even more.  Because we could envision him here with us, a part of us - doing life with us. And we knew it wouldn't be all rosy and we knew to dismiss our expectations but still the love for this idea boy just grew and grew.  

Reality crept up closer and closer until finally it was go time.  So we went, walked right on up to the reality of this idea.  What happened was a sort of mental collision.  There was idea boy, whom we had loved so deeply and then there was this real little boy who was now with us in living color - only we didn't know him like we knew idea boy.  He was, quite frankly, much a stranger to us.  And that love we'd had for idea boy didn't exactly transfer to the real boy.  Every moment we were choosing to live out the love of the Father toward him but it was exactly that - a choosing love - whereas we expected it to be that natural instinct love.  And a lot of the time it was a harder love choice than we liked it to be. 

I don't know if this common. But it was between Andrew and I - even silently common for a few days until we humbly confessed to one another the struggle of our hearts.  

(At this point you're probably either tracking with me or I'm scaring you - that's why I want you to keep reading)

There was some fear that came barreling in with this collision...especially before the whole thing was brought into the light.  Mainly fear that love - the "I can't help but love you" kind - wouldn't come.  Fear that this choosing love would feel superficial to our hurting boy.  

But all love comes from God (1 John 4:7).  Did we dare believe He would make some of that other kind of love in us?  Well, we had to.  Because there was no place else it was coming from.  So we took on the possibility that somewhere along the line we might just look back and realize that in the midst of walking out that choosing love, He placed a deep, instinctual, familiar love within us for our Levi.  

Well, it's sneaking in. The "I can't help but kiss your precious face 500 times" kind of love. I'm finding that the place in my heart that tries to contain my love for my other children has been stretched a little bigger.  Somebody smarter than me will tell me some definitive words to describe these two loves and I will thank them.  But for now, I am welcoming - with arms wide open - this precious love.  

And maybe that's the reason the days are getting easier.  I'm not sure that the circumstances have changed all that much since day one.  But somehow the patience gift of the Holy Spirit mixes naturally with the love gift and I feel carried.  I guess when it was all the choosing love it felt like I had to keep determining hard to let the Father carry me...cause the flesh me is always bent toward independence.  But the end of that me comes fast and ugly.  So I did let Him carry me.  And He sustained even though I had to be convinced of the manna goodness at times.  

And maybe, too, it's the reason his heart is getting softer.  The reason he lets me hold him and sing Jesus Loves Me. The reason he burrows his face in my neck.  The reason he calls "mama" to show me every traffic signal or dump truck.  The reason he works so hard to find a few English words or hand motions to tell me a silly joke.  The reason he nods ferociously when I whisper in his ear that he is my special boy.  

I don't know what this all does to your perception of adoption.  I don't know if you imagined such emotional struggle attached to those pictures of adoptive families....everyone smiling and hugging close.  And it isn't everyone's story but I gotta believe we're not alone.  We share this because beginning to end, it's not our story, it's God's story.  And we have to believe that His choice to adopt us as sons and the whole process of it has not been without messy heartache on the Lover's part.  

Just praying you will walk in His boundless love....and know that you were never a stranger to Him...He never had to adjust to loving you...in truth, His love has been carrying you all this time. 

Love,

Robin

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